Blame game. I win.

There is a massive difference in being brought up in a Harvard-educated family and in an immigrant family--no matter how intelligent. It's a differnce that i sort of resent.No, i can't even lie on paper today. Today, i am a bitter woman and will admit that i completely resent it. Even if just for a day.

You can repeat all you want that America is a land of opportunities, and I won't rain on your parade. In all likelihood, I'd join in right behind you. But oppourtunities lie in individual ambition and expectation-- all rooting in knowledge of what's actually there to aspire to. Without the awareness of doors, one will never see the next room. There are no doors in my household.

Students who are raised by immigrant parents (and I can only speak knowledgeably about Asian ones, I regret to admit) are raised by adults who generally don't undersand the diference between Asian education and American. In, say, taiwan, your test scores are the main (basically only) factor in acceptance into college. Furthermore, colleges choose you. College ranking in the only deciding factor to students, and visiting college/finding a place that's "right for you" is completely insane. So the most adaptable system to that of Taiwan's, as least in California, is the UC system. Why? They can easily be "ranked," although seniors can tell you that rankings don't mean a thing. They are also state-renown, and cheaper. The UCs carry a sturdy reputation for "good education." Perhaps most importantly, the president of Taiwan's son graduated from Cal.

So growing up in Walnut, it is only too easy to see every day the aftermath of such destructive a mindset that is so dispersed it seems only natural. Students struggle to meet the unforgiving eye of their fathers, who acknowledge only 4.0s, 800s, 2400s. Honestly, with only impossibility to strive for, it's no wonder a student should fall into the familiar pit of purposelessness. If one's believed sole purpose cannot be fulfilled, the only conclusion to be made is that one is a complete and pathetic failure.
Actually, its just parenting that hasn't yet had the time to adapt to new environments.
And its failure is reflected in the empty eyes of such unfortunate students.

And living under the roof of narrowminded and, in a way outdated, teachings is more costly than USC tuition. While making us believe we have high aspirations by reaching for the "highest" goals, they have inavertantly set for us a ceiling which we won't rise above. Why? We can't see the stars. By making us keep our eyes on the ceiling, we were never able to walk outside, take a little hike, find the prize that truly satisfied our hungry gazes. Self-sustainment may lead to happiness, but is not its synonym. Moreover, complacency is not success.

I see the stars now, but I find myself only yearning for them a million lightyears away, standing alone with a gold star upon my forehead, atop my roof.




I guess I just wish I knew enough sooner to shape my ambitions before time and age got a hold of me. I remember being in third grade and experiencing a tremendous wave of disappontment because I didnt have a "dream." I wasn't set on becoming an astronaut or an actress and I couldn't relate to songs that told me to "just believe" in my dreams. (Jeez Louise, when I think back on it, I wanted to be a veterinarian at 8, a pediatrician at 14, a reconstructive surgeon at 17. I didn't think i could be anything but a doctor.) If I were to reveal a little ego, I always believed in my ability to reach the ceiling my parents pointed at. But I didn't care for the ceiling, and so it was never my heart's dream, even if it might have been the "best." So I dreamed nothing, sought nothing, and just got through the days with little effort. And now that laziness has digested me, my aspirations have faded in memory and I have no path to tell me what comes next.

This is not the blame game. Of course other factors come into play. But I'm just not happy right now.